


The Circus

by BlinkingSun



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27789895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlinkingSun/pseuds/BlinkingSun
Summary: In a town like any other, Yashika, a depressed 20-something decides to join a program to travel the country. She leaves her town, unable and unwilling to look back as she searches for a new outlook. However, the program isn't the paradise it seems, and Yashika must now find out the truth about the program, before she and her friends fall victim to whatever ominous future lies in wait.
Kudos: 1





	The Circus

**Author's Note:**

> Content Warning:   
> In the book overall there are themes of mental illness, suicide, death, and violence. PG-13 equivalent rating.

Chapter 1

_ You know what my problem is? I’m forgetful. I argue, I cry, and then I forget. I let one good day erase a month of suffering. I shower, go to sleep, and whenever it happens next, I let them do it all again. _

Yashika’s vision blurred as she stared at the patterned wallpaper. Her arms went limp at her sides and her legs hung off the bed as her mind settled into a familiar and comfortable misery. Her parents didn’t come in to check on her, and she told herself she didn’t expect them to, though in the back of her mind she entertained the scenario in which they came to the door, listened in to make sure she was okay, then left with the relief that she had already forgotten. But she hadn’t forgotten. And they never came.

Today was the day she decided to stop forgetting. For years she had been happy-go-lucky, yet a bit strange, with intellectual promise and a plan for the future. For years she had also been the deeply fractured kid with too little motivation to act on any potential and the belief that her future never mattered anyway. If she had been raised differently, she may have turned to drugs or drink to cope, but she still respected the authority of her parents’ will, even after graduating from university. Instead, she discovered new mechanisms to cope destructively for a while, but an overconfident promise to a friend left her in search of a new distraction.

_ It suddenly started downpouring that late afternoon as Yashika was taking a walk. She was about a mile out from her house with only a light jacket separating her from the rain. Stopping for respite under a tree, only a few minutes later, the rain subsided. Yashika continued her walk, enjoying the scent of the air after rain and the calmness of the world around her. It was in that peaceful state of mind that she didn’t notice the slickness of the patch of grass on the hill she was crossing. She slipped on that incline, mildly injuring her wrist and dirtying her clothes, hands, and face completely. Wincing in pain, she laid there a moment taking stock of her injuries. Despite the pain, she rolled her wrist to ensure its mobility and got back on her feet. Yashika continued the walk home in discomfort, but recalling the squash soup awaiting her, some of her frustration subsided. Upon reaching her home, she wiped her shoes on the doormat before leaving them outside and entering. She was still cold and wet from the rain and the fall, so Yashika eagerly sought the comfort of a warm meal. Washing her face and hands of the mud, she hungrily awaited pouring some of that squash soup into a pot on the stove.  _

_ Not every day is bad.  _ She’d tell herself that being suicidal one day in every two weeks was fine to live with, but depression doesn’t have a kill-switch. Every day she let go of herself enough to feel less hurt, and most days she was an automaton carrying out the role of Yashika. Studying, looking for work, cleaning the house, it was all to play the role. She felt free again when she slept. Dream Yashika solved murder cases and saved lives; she wore what she wanted to wear and went where she wanted to go. Nothing bound that Yashika.

_ Her mom walked in just as Yashika poured her warm soup into a bowl and muttered something angrily. Not paying her any mind, Yashika procured a spoon and drank her first warm spoonful contentedly. “Absolutely disgusting. How can you eat when you look like trash on the side of the road?” Her mother scoffed. Yashika looked down at her mud-stained clothes and back at her mother. “Do you have any shame walking around like that? You have no standards for yourself? Is there even one drop of blood in your body?” Yashika interjected, “I was just coming home fr–” Her mother quickly snapped, “It doesn’t matter where you were, you’re covered in shit. You’re eating like a pig, covered in shit and you don’t care. You have no dignity,” Yashika tearily attempted to explain once more, “That’s not fair, I just–” _

Her parents weren’t bad people. They loved her very much, and they wanted everything to be the best for her. However, they never understood her mind. When they were trying to be kind, her mom would sometimes do so much as to put her socks on for her or deliver her meals to her bed as she slept. Her dad would offer his input on nearly everything she did, every egg she cracked, every shirt she folded. When they weren’t trying to be kind, their words of vitriolic rage and violence would moot any kindness they had shown thus far. It brought her back to her childhood when her parents’ violence wasn’t just verbal. After all is said and done, kind words don’t heal wounds. Everything they did was to help her, yet none of it met that end.

_ Her father entered the room. He was visibly of ill-temper when he began, “What justification is there? You can have a wonderful excuse but the fact is that you are sitting here covered in shit and eating like it’s acceptable,” There was no way back to normalcy from here, “You have an answer for everything, but you never learn. If you shut up and listen for once you might actually learn something. This is not how humans behave. Do you want to be treated like a human or an animal?” Yashika anticipated the line she knew so well, “A human needs one telling, an animal needs one beating. Which one are you? If you act like an animal we will treat you like one.” Yashika couldn’t hear the rest of the brutally scathing remarks her father had made. Or maybe she could, but everything in her mind willed her to ignore it. Even when the tears she took great efforts to diffuse spilled over onto her cheeks relentlessly, the yelling continued. When it was finally over, her full bowl of soup was cold, the mud on her pants was dry, and Yashika was no longer hungry. _

The root of their misunderstanding was that they never genuinely asked her questions. For the questions they did ask, there was always an answer they wanted to hear. This meant they never earnestly asked if she was okay. They didn’t ask, so she never tried to voice how she felt. Yashika half-believed they were right about her. Maybe this wasn’t an illness, it was an excuse to be lazy and pathetic for the rest of her life. Maybe this wasn’t just an external force pushing her to the ground, maybe she was just resigned to lying there because that’s who she is.

Some small parts of Yashika were naïvely dramatic. She wanted to be a hero, save lives, punch out villains, and change the world. For the most part, though, she was realistic. She realized that nothing like that really existed, and the most heroic thing she could do was to participate in society. Society just didn’t seem to need her.

On one of her daily walks, she wandered around the town square, visibly uncomfortable from the clamor of the market. Today was the day of the weekly town market, which Yashika usually anticipated. The town market was always her favorite day despite her distaste of large crowds. Even as a young girl, Yashika hopped from booth to booth with the few dollars she owned crinkling in her pocket. She never bought anything, but always talked to the merchants. However, this was her first time by the market in several years. Much had changed in those years but a lot hadn’t.

Ms. Barb’s antique booth was somehow still open despite rarely seeing any customers, but Lee from school now joined his mother in polishing their wares with such diligent focus it seemed like the world was empty except for Lee and his fountain pen.

“Morning Sweetpea, how’ve you been?” Yashika didn’t notice herself wandering toward the booth until Ms. Barb waggled her arm and spoke cheerfully.

“Oh hi, Ms. Barb,” Yashika started, making a brief glance to her former classmate Lee, “I’m doing okay, how are you?”

“As good as ever; haven't seen you around in a while,” Barb’s thick, unkempt brows furrowed slightly.

“Yeah, I guess I got busy,” Yashika replied, mulling over why she truly stopped coming to the market. Their conversation continued on about the weather, today’s wares, whatever trivialities happened to pop into either one’s mind. Maybe Yashika stopped coming to the market because she never bought anything.

For a long time, she would accumulate the money her parents gave her to eventually spend one day at the market. She kept it on her just in case the right thing came along, but it never seemed to. Early on, most of the antiques she eyed carefully were far out of her price range. However, as time passed these antiques became more affordable, but she still never purchased anything. Deep down she knew why she would never buy an antique like the ones Barb sold. No matter how many bills crinkled in her pocket, she never felt like she was worth the money. She never felt that she deserved the niceties of an engraved pocket watch or a polished fountain pen.

They exchanged goodbyes as an older gentleman stopped by to peruse the stock. Just as Yashika was turning to head back home she spotted a friend near the side of the square.

“Woah, is that Lee at his mom’s booth?” the petite girl gestured to the booth Yashika had just walked from.

“Yeah, I think so. He seems like he fits there,”

“What do you mean ‘fits’?” she cocked her head to the side slightly. Yashika began mumbling a vaguely-worded explanation, “Well, ‘fits’ like… it seems like he’s alright there. Like he could spend a long time where he was, and it would be okay. Good, even.”

Her friend lost interest in the topic and began filling Yashika in on all the recent events in their town. They discussed how the town hall was considering opening up a second town square for a market on Wednesdays that would include more vendors from the many remote parts of town. As they started walking the path back to their neighborhoods, the two mulled over their classmates’ future plans and how all of them seemed to already be comfortably situated in their adult lives.

“Looks like we’ll both be waiting a little longer before we get settled,” Yashika’s friend chuckled at the prospect of another two years of coursework before the two could become practitioners. Yashika had been intended to become a doctor, while her friend was on track to become a town apothecary.

“Actually, I’m not sure if I want to do medical anymore,” Yashika hesitantly stated, “Honestly, I never  _ wanted _ to do medical,”

“What  _ do _ you want to do?” Yashika was stunned. She had never been faced with that question before. She assumed her friend might feel betrayed at the sudden about-face, or that she would be disgusted with her selfish and lazy desires. Instead she asked something Yashika had never truly been asked.

“Well, I don’t know. Honestly, I haven’t put much thought into what I  _ want  _ to do. All I know is I want to be happy.” Yashika confessed with the most sincerity she had ever committed to a conversation about her future.

“Actually, that’s so funny because I heard of this program for people without career paths who travel all over the nation and everyone seems to really like it!” Her friend began detailing the rumors she had heard about the program’s participants and for the first time in a long time, Yashika was a bit excited about her own prospects.

“It’s called Circle United Services, and I heard from my cousin they’re in town at the fourth block, I know it’s out of the way, but you should talk to them and see what they’re all about.” Neither of them had ever been as far as the outer limits of their own block of town, the second of six blocks.

“I think I will– I will. Thank you. I feel like I could fit somewhere,” Yashika muttered the last bit as the two parted ways at the fork that divided their neighborhoods.

_ The fourth block. She said they would be in town till tomorrow night. I don’t know my way around the place, so I’ll leave extra time to figure it out. That means I have to leave by midmorning at the latest. _

Yashika pondered deeply through her plan for tomorrow. She couldn’t allow her parents to find out what she would be doing, so she needed to think very carefully through her plan.

_ A note. I’ll leave a note. I probably won’t have time to go twice, so if I like the program I’ll have to leave right away. That means I’ll have to pack. What do you pack for an all-inclusive temporary work program? Maybe I should write the note with the assumption that I’ve joined the program and am not returning home? Then, if I don’t join, I can get home and get rid of the note. Clothes, probably. _

A foreign thought flicked across her mind. Her friend said that Circle doesn’t come back to the same place twice. What if she misses her family? Just then, as she opens the kitchen door and enters her house, her mother quashes the worry with a swift yelling about some tenuous connection between too-long walks and her future failed career in medicine.

The following morning Yashika awoke with a new feeling. She wondered if it was dread, curiosity, or hope, but it was likely a mix of all three. She packed a small bag notably containing not much more than plain clothing, pens, paper, and a secret stash of the monies she had saved. Rooting through her belongings for anything she might have missed, she finally landed on a book she had read only once before. It was a peaceful book clearly written by a deeply contented author. She recalled feeling as though she had written the book herself in another lifetime, it was a nostalgia for a time she had not yet experienced. Without thinking too much about its functionality, she squeezed it into the only remaining space in her backpack and scribbled out a note. 

_ I have decided to contribute to society through working with the Circle United Services Program. This will give me the opportunity to travel and make something of myself, but it also means I will not be returning home again. I know I am not following the path you have laid out for me, and for that I apologize. Please feel free to sell any of my remaining possessions at the market, which may offset some of the cost you have incurred by raising me. I further apologize that I will never be able to refund your investment in me, but I hope that this solution will resolve any outstanding issues we have. _

She felt uneasy writing so formally to her parents, but she would have felt facetious writing any other way. It still felt wrong to leave the note at that cold, abrupt end. She considered a number of phrasings but settled on:

_ I will always remember and be grateful for everything you have done for me. I love you. _

_ Yashika _

Not knowing if she could honestly write any stronger or more passionate words, and being hesitant to lie in her last communication with her parents, she folded the note and left it on her otherwise empty desk. Making sure to tidy the room up as best she could, she quickly left for the fourth block.

She knew most of the way to the edge of her block, but she held onto the map just in case. She had never been particularly strong with directions, so the sheet of paper she held gave her a sense of comfort. Marking a red line down the path she wanted to take, Yashika wondered what the program was truly like. Figuring that it was just as disappointing as everything she romanticized in the past had been, she suppressed her expectations. Still, the dramatic part of her fantasized about traveling to the many places she had never seen, making new friends who understood her.

The sign demarcating the entrance to the third block woke her from her fantasy, as she realized she was about to cross a threshold she had never crossed before. In grade school, she had visited this border just once before with a friend her parents didn’t approve of. Some slightly older boys goaded them into a game of chicken to see who would go the furthest. Yashika hated losing and talked a big game, but when they had finally reached the border she quickly resigned. After some jeering from the rest of the group, no one actually felt the need to cross to the other side. It seemed Yashika was not the only one with doubts after all.

Today, though, Yashika didn't have doubts anymore. Today, Yashika had doubts about staying on this side. She continued her trek and reached out to gently tap the sign on her way past it. Her thick-soled brown boots crunching the same tall, thin grass that she treaded through into the fourth block. The trail Yashika chose avoided any large neighborhoods or town centers, so she felt at peace as she combed through her memories with frequent glances at the map. She occasionally took respite in the reeds, a feeble attempt to shield herself from the midday sun that beat down on her.

Most of the grassland through which she traveled had pale yellow reeds that swayed at every one of the too infrequent breezes. Accompanied by only the occasional rustling of some small animal and the soft breath of the wind meandering through the grass, the idyllic plain was otherwise free from disturbance. Yashika didn’t notice how tremendously calm she had become as she continued her journey. By late afternoon, she had once again reached the block limits, crossing with little hesitance into the fourth block. Part of her wished to dislike the program simply so she could return to that warm grassy patch of land once more. She hoped she could lay on the ground facing the sun, and let her body at last rejoin with the earth beneath the feather reedgrass that softly danced in the breeze.

Yashika revisited her map for the duration of the walk through the fourth block. Dee said it was in the fourth block’s municipal plaza. Luckily for Yashika that was the nearest point of interest on her map. Once she reached the town center, the living noise of the town’s inhabitants was jarring enough to knock the peace that she had just been basking in out of her grasp. She briefly wandered around the square looking for her best guess of what the Circle United Services group would look like. Stopping several feet from the booths, ensuring she could process the information in front of her without having to interact with other patrons, she quickly scoured the market for clues. She noted in the far corner was a relatively unpopulated booth with small signage she couldn’t quite read and what appeared to be a folding table; reasoning that this could be the temporary booth she had been looking for, she started in that direction.

The unwanted jostling and everyday touch from the other patrons of the square did not offend as much as usual; her mind was already far away. She approached the booth with cautious optimism as the individual tending the stand smiled her way. He made no effort to speak until she did, but his face remained pleasantly open to her questions. Finally feeling the nerves settle for long enough to speak, Yashika began, “Is this Circle United Services?”

“Yes it is, you heard of us during the market?” His eyes looked warm and calm, which eased her anxiety.

“Yes, I– I am interested in learning more about the program…” She trailed off as her eyes instinctively departed from his.

“We have a pamphlet here, and tonight’s the last night we have in town… Would you like to hear a little bit about my experience with the group?” He was a patient and gentle character. He looked only about thirty years old, but he spoke with the soft demeanor of someone in old age. His whole body seemed strong and tanned from physical labor, but his expressions were of someone who had lived a full life and just wanted to share his story before he moved on. Yashika’s daydream of sinking into the field– that was what his voice sounded like.

She nodded shyly, forcing her eyes back to make eye contact with him as he told his story. He began by describing himself as a young boy who never quite felt like he fit in with his classmates. He never excelled in any subject and quickly lost interest in academic pursuits. By graduation he found himself aimless, and his mothers both worked opposite shifts at the local hospital and tended to his younger sister when they were home.

“I felt guilty about how useless I was to my parents. I couldn’t bring home anything they could be proud of. Though I knew better than to believe it, some part of me still felt like less of a man for it. We were never in dire straits financially, but I still felt like a burden to them.” He revealed how he spoke with his mother one day about finding work, and while she insisted he seek out a passion, he knew he might never find one. He instead found work on a farm and found a simple joy in the routine duties he had. When his employer decided to sell some of his land and animals, he knew it meant he had to find something else.

The “circus”, that’s what he called it, came into town shortly after and offered him a way to finally feel like less of a burden. He could travel across the country, a privilege usually restricted to government officials and shipping companies, and when he finally decided on a final place, he would be set up with living arrangements and a job he did well and enjoyed. That was the guarantee of Circle United Services. His last task in the program was to host the booth at the town he chose to stay in.

“So, you’re staying here?” Yashika’s eyes widened slightly, realizing he was ending his journey with the program just as hers was beginning.

“That’s the plan,” he chuckled and looked up at the orange sky, the sun threatening to set before Yashika could decide, “The day’s almost up… are you interested in joining?” His kind gaze eased some of the pressure, but she recognized her decision needed to come in the next hour.

“If I say yes, what are the next steps for me?” He gestured to a tall woman in a braided bun with a sweet expression on her face as she spoke casually with a tall man who wore the dark blue garb of municipal officials.

“You’ll get the orientation from Headmaster Ward and she will show you to the train car you’ll share with a couple of other members,” he paused before chuckling, “and I’ll be here till sunset if you just want some company before you decide.”

He patted the stool next to him and the two sat in peaceful silence while Yashika negotiated with herself. Almost as though her life was ending, in a metaphorical sense it was, she combed through her memories. Everything she had ever felt or thought had all preceded this decision, but she didn’t know if it was enough knowledge to make a decision this big. She knew the program wouldn’t return to the same town twice. She knew this meant that everything to come would be new.

But the way her new friend could peacefully close his eyes and feel content, that was all she had wanted. The sky was reddening as the sun dipped lower by the minute. Yashika arose with purpose, the choice to finally embrace change. She had one last request for the man who had already helped her a great deal. “Could you send a message for Deirdre Haskins? She’s the friend who told me about this program. Would you possibly tell her thank you from Yashika? I’m sorry, I forgot to tell her I would be leaving, and I don’t have time now.”

He nodded in synchrony with an understanding blink as she thanked him and started quickly toward the woman with the braided bun. Something about that hairstyle intrigued her.

“Headmaster?”

“Hi there, are you interested in joining Circle?”

“Yes, I am,”

“I saw you speaking with Adam earlier, such a gentle young man. We’re going to miss having him…” She trailed off, but quickly resumed her train of thought, “What would you like to be called and what pronouns do you prefer, sweetheart?”

“My name is Yashika,” she paused to think for a moment before continuing, “and any pronouns are fine I guess.”

“That’s great sweetie, but I didn’t ask what your name  _ was, _ I asked what you would like to be called,” she chuckled pleasantly and continued, “at Circle we choose to remove the things that tie us to unpleasantness, so if you want to choose your own name we welcome that.”

The Headmaster introduced herself and gestured to follow and the two began walking while Yashika pondered the thought of a new name. Having developed a more than hobbyist interest in flower symbolism, she thought of different flowers that may better represent her. Finally landing on the protea, they approached the train. Something about seeing the train in person and all it represented triggered a switch for Yashika as she announced with a hint of panic, “I think I’ll keep Yashika.”


End file.
